While some hold that true Christians will never sin, it is clear biblically that sin continues in the life of the believer even after the indwelling of the Spirit*. If, then, sin is common (read: inevitable) for us, we must hope in a boundless grace. As Jesus tells the twelve to forgive their brother not just 7 times but 70 times 7, we understand the limitless grace of God. As inevitable as our sin may be, equally inevitable is His redeeming and recovering outpouring of grace on His sons and daughters. It is cause for worship, and the very spring of peace within us. Additionally, His response to our sin also creates within us a desire to change, to be transformed and better love, better serve.
As king David sins with Bathsheba, in 2 Samuel 11-12, I recognize my own proclivity to fall, even in the best of circumstances. He sleeps with a married woman, who becomes pregnant, and so he orders the tactical murder of her husband. But the Lord sees, and through a prophet rebukes David. The illegitimately conceived son dies prematurely, and a plague falls upon Israel. David is struck with heavy conviction. You can hear it in Psalm 51, written immediately afterwards. 'Against you, you only, have I sinned.' His prayer moves me, because while he is saddened by what he has done, his greatest sorrow is that of broken communion with the Lord, whom he loves. He sees that a beautiful, loving relationship has been pushed away by his very own hands, a beautiful marriage and a beautiful life lost. And the loss of such beauty leaves him sorrowful. Yet he hopes and trusts in the salvation of God. He is sorry, and transformed. He no longer desires the sin that he once desired, for he now knows the depth of its pain, the weight of its ramifications. He has seen beneath the surface of wrong-doing, and has been awakened by the Spirit to the core of his wrong-thinking and wrong-loving. Thus he is convicted, and thus repentance begins.**
I remember distinctly when I told a grocery-shopping companion that I could guess the life-story of one of her old friends after a brief conversation with him. I proceeded to bluntly surmise his history, complete with emotions, sins, failures and fallouts. In fact, I characterized him quite accurately, and was smugly proud of my precision. But within a few minutes a sensation fell on me which was sweetly sad and beautifully disappointing all at once, a sensation I was unsure I had ever felt before. I realized, by my companion's facial expression (and the faint whisper of the Spirit) that I had without hesitation turned a human, made in the image of God, into a shallow caricature which I could judge and critique from afar. I had been grossly arrogant, using discernment (a gift from God) to make a man whom He loves into a dismissed silhouette, a paper story worthy of only my temporary satisfaction. Immediately I was sorry, and had absolutely no desire to ever, ever do that again. I was filled with a desire to view those I meet with compassion and deep empathy, to use my gifts in love and not in pride. For perhaps the first time, I truly perceived the beauty that had been lost in my sin, and thus my desires were changed.
This, I believe, is the true conviction of a believer. The predominant emotion in it, in my experience, is an aching sadness at beauty lost, like a funeral of one deeply loved, or the moving away of a very good friend. These are examples of a sweet sadness without fault, and indeed, the sadness of sin is different because we recognize our fault. But the sadness is because we have trampled on beauty, not because we have broken a rule. This allows conviction to change us into more loving creatures, instead of wrapping us in further behavioral modification.
Often after sin we are overwhelmed with shame or a sense of condemnation, overwhelmed by a renewed awareness of our failings: we should have known better, have had greater self-control, loved God more. And of course we should have. All these things are certainly true, and yet we fail, as Jesus knew we would***: and His love endures. And by His death, His separation from the Father, He has borne our sin and freed us from its ramifications. Thus the power of shame is reallocated to Him, condemnation proclaimed over His body. We are hence left with an emotion born not of fear and self-preservation, but of love of God and love of His beauty. True, godly conviction, as far as I can tell, is known by this sorrow of His beauty lost, worshipful reliance on the Him for grace, and realigned desires for beauty and so to act differently. If you experience such godly conviction, worship, for it is a merciful gift of a thing. If you do not experience conviction as such, pray, as David prays in Psalm 51, that the Lord might renew the joy of His salvation to you. Because it is only in the gospel, in the love of Jesus bearing our shame, that our true guilt can produce sorrow, worship, and change.
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* Half of the epistles are written expressly to call churches back from different sins and shortcomings. Peter himself is corrected for a lack of integrity in his treatment of the gentiles.
** I intend to discuss this process in the next post, titled 'After Sin 2- David and True Repentance'.
*** Luke 22:32
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Addendum: Should you repeatedly be floored by despair and condemnation, shame and fear over sin, know then that this is not the conviction, presence, or voice of our Lord God. These experiences in no way align with the love and mercy of a suffering, dying, crucified Savior, and therefore contradict the most explicit and complete image of God humanity has ever known. We must then surmise that these emotions and experiences are either the self-scourging of the proud flesh, wanting to prove itself and earn its way, or the enemy seeking to tear down that which the Lord has built up. Both voices are to be rejecting and replaced by the knowledge of the good, strong love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord, which sets us free.
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