Frustration and Laughter

And I am frustrated once again.  I can feel my pride prickling, annoyed with little things.

But the biggest things, the things which frustrate me most, revolve around my Father.  The Big One.  Because I want my life to mean more than this!  I want to DO more than this.  I want to see hearts change and I want to see the kingdom come and I want to see His face.   And I want to want to see hearts change for the right reasons, and I want to want to see the kingdom come out of love and not for proof, and because I want to want to see His face, for love and not for a confidence booster. But instead I see beautiful girls and long to be accepted, to be satisfied.  Instead I see my capacity for sin, and the strength temptations possess.  I compare myself and find myself lacking, in skills, in joy, in position.  I see myself in a job that might just be a dead end.

And when I think about the things I want to do, the 'good' things, the things I 'should' do- even there I am weighing the scales, trying to prove to myself and to the world that I have been changed, that God changes us, that there is hope and a greater calling.  And I do so by working hard, by check-lists and self-denial.  Love is the purest fountain of worship- and yet I have so little, for man and for God.

I am frustrated because I must continually turn my eyes towards Jesus.  I am frustrated that they don't rest there naturally.

I am frustrated because my theology is not as simple as it once was, because I have been challenged well.  I am frustrated because I don't understand everything that seems important these days.

I am frustrated because some people think I am wasting my life, and because sometimes I feel like I am too.  Maybe I am overspiritualizing the decision to do whatever I do next.  But I'm also frustrated because I don't even know what I want to do next.

I'm frustrated by the loads of sin and hypocrisy around me in the church.  I can see so many failures, so much sin and pride and failure- but to call it out as harshly as I see it seems arrogant, and proud, and unhelpful.  Learning NOT to call out sin when I see it is hard, and I still don't trust my discernment there.  And then, of course, I see my own sin too.

I am frustrated because I have found I can't convince people of the Lord, not with wisdom or effort or service.

I am frustrated because, all that I am and all that I will be rests on the presence and prevenient grace of a suffering Lord.  I am frustrated because all that I desire to do and see, be and know, depends solely on the action of the Father.  And I am just not recognizing His hand as fast as I'd like.  I don't know what to do half the time, and there is so much to be done.  I am frustrated because everything I want to do and know and secure can only be done and known and secured by the work of a carpenter God in me, and for some reason it seems his favorite chisel is time.

And so I woke up this morning and prayed and read Zechariah.  And I read where it says, not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord.  And I wrote it on my forearm in red, because I could not find the black permanent marker that I usually keep on my desk.  Seemed like a good thing to think some more about, and nothing else particularly jumped out at me.  And it was short enough to fit without being overly attention-grabbing.

So I wrote it on my arm, and thought of it once or twice while I made lattes and toasted bagels, and thought about the potential good in dating.  I was cut early from work, came home and sat on the sofa to read.  I picked up a book I've been working on for a few weeks, and I turned the page, and God spoke.

The author, the leader (sort of) of a global prayer movement, has a wife, and she has a tumor in her head.  It had been affecting her for years, but was undiagnosed until she began having seizures several years ago.  She still fights with it.  I had already read about that yesterday.

Aside from the comfort of a spiritual leader who suffers like the rest of us, my heart was met with something else.  The author said that the sufferring of his wife and his family caused him to step back from his ministry, and thrust upon him the realization that he was not to save the world.  And in fact he was honored by just the smallest of roles in the kingdom.  Indeed, he wrote, the army was rising, but not by might.  Nor by power.  But, by his Spirit.

And I laughed.  Out loud, by myself, I laughed.  Because the Lord had just answered my frustration, and offerred me joy, in such a way as I could not ignore.  All my striving, all my might, would lead no where, and I could force nothing.  Yet, the army comes- by the Spirit.  All things come by the Spirit.  And so I can rest, and wait, and trust.  And I can pursue all kinds of little things.  But the weight stands not on my power, but on the Lord.  And He can take it.  He can take it all, and turn it to good again.  All my frustration, He can turn to laughter.
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Things helpful in my walk with the Lord-
-Reading plan for scripture.  Gold.  The YearTeam year-long one is great.
-Books by Christians.  Currently, "Red Moon Rising,"  by Pete Greig and Dave Roberts.
-Permanent markers.  Black or red, no matter.  Green looks funny on your arm, and after a run, red looks like you're bleeding profusely.  Black is the safest bet there.

Reflections on Nicaragua, Round Two

I have returned, and I've had a few chances to talk it through with my friends here.  I've discovered that, in sharing, I process a lot of what I see and feel.  INFJ and all.

A brief schedule:

Sunday-Thursday we worked with El Shaddai, a church network in Chinandega.  Sunday we spoke at two different churches and went to the beach, and the rest of the time went like this-
Mornings: early wake-up, worship, two people share testimonies on the radio, then everyone help run feeding centers in poor neighborhoods (barios) [including dressing as clowns and throwing candy].
Afternoons: construction/labor, to demonstrate the incarnational love of Jesus, showers.
Nights: 'evangelistic campaigns'- revival service with worship and prayer, testimonies and teaching, skits and dancing.

Friday we worked with Casa de Esperanza (in Managua), a rehabilitation center for women and children moving out of prostitution (some rescued, others by choice).  Including games and prayer ministry, trying to instill a sense of personal worth and beauty.

Saturday we traveled to Masaya, home of our translator (baller, by the way) to run a feeding center there (including teaching and skits).  That night we spoke to a youth gathering at his church (much more like you would expect an modern American church to look like.

Sunday we explored a bit (monkey island, volcano, steak house, the usual).

As my second visit, I expected most of what I saw.  Again, the Lord moved powerfully, and we saw a lot of folks come forward to meet with the Lord.  Many folks met Him in what seemed to be powerful ways,  many for the first time*.  It was exciting.  We didn't see all the healings we hoped or prayed for.  But we saw a few: twisted ankles, headaches**, body pain.  And we did have some really cool 'words of knowledge'***.  There was some really encouraging times of worship (which I got to lead- so healthy for me), and some really powerful times praying with the group and the pastor in Chinandega.  All of that I have come to expect, when I am with a group of people set on seeking the Lord and His kingdom with boldness.

I was also positively challenged by much of what I saw.  The boldness of others, the relentless willingness to pray for the impossible.  The ease with which some slip into worship.  The ever-present hospitality of our family there.  These challenge me.

I was also negatively challenged by some of the methods used in the different churches with which we worked. Some seemed to have very legalistic perspectives on alcohol.  Others seemed to use fear as a motivation to come to the Lord, a method I hope to wrestle with in an upcoming post.  Some seemed to be so 'organic' as to be extremely impractical.  Others so practiced that it did not seem as fluid and Spirit-led.

I am a critical soul, that much I know, and so while these differences remain, I am seeking humility and listening.  And I have chosen to not go into detail here, particularly without digging through them with the leadership on the other side of the gulf.  (Re)Learning Spanish will begin to bridge the distance- something I'd like to work towards.  In the meantime, I hope the Lord will continue to teach me how to understand working under someone's authority, particularly when I disagree with part of what's going on (though often a small, small part indeed).

I will try to posts pictures soon.  I haven't brought all my equipment into the new house yet, but hope to have that all rolling here shortly.

Two prayer requests:
Be praying for Hannah (one of my lovely sisters)- her back began hurting on the trip, and still is giving her trouble.  Her back pain actually meant she and I missed the day at Casa de Esperanza (a huge reason why we both came to Nica in the first place), and was one of the most frightening experiences I have ever lived through.  Never have I prayed so hard for so long, for anyone or anything, and I haven't cried like that in over a year.  She's much better today that she was when it began last Friday, but we still don't really know what's going on there.

Also, please pray for the house I'm living in.  Eight dudes, one dog, in one house.  Big house.  Big potential.  Big danger.  We're trusting and praying that the Lord would do something big here.



Thanks again for reading folks.  It means a ton to me, and writing this blog provides me with a huge means of growth.  Thanks for taking part, and for encouraging me along the way.


 (footnotes, with stories)
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*While we were building one afternoon, we had some kids pull up chairs (literally) to watch.  We were smearing concrete onto a wall with very little success.  It didn't stick- even our local leader there couldn't make it work.  The children were laughing and making fun, which we took in stride, chasing them with muddy hands or jokingly trying to convince them to help.  The ringleader was particularly dismissive, and somewhat rude.  But we kept working.  They could have done it better, easily, but the goal was never to do work for them, but to demonstrate a love and an equality with them, to demonstrate the familial oneness that the Spirit provides and the humility of a God who would join us in all our brokenness and poverty in our very likeness.  This goal lets us rejoice in hardship.  We are becoming like our Lord.

Turns out, so was the boy.  He came to the worship/revival that night, and came forward to receive Christ, as did a family whose house we waterproofed.  What an encouragement, and a blessing.

**God seems let me pray for headaches a lot, and usually heals people when I do.  I remember a time with one of my sisters, a time with a friend in Greenville, and some others, that all have cool stories of headaches leaving when we prayed.  This trip, I really wanted to pray with a guy at the youth gathering in Masaya, but didn't know how to go about it.  I prayed that the Lord would let me pray for someone, and the guy next to me, a student there, turned to me and said, My head hurts.  I grinned and asked if I could pray for it, and it went away.

***Churchy lingo for when God leads you to pray for something before the person tells you to, only to learn that it's incredibly applicable.  For instance, one member of our team was praying for a little girls.  She couldn't speak Spanish, but she felt like she should pray for pain to be healed.  She didn't know what to pray for specifically, much less how to pray it in Spanish, so she prayed in English, Lord, take away her pain.  Later in the day, a translator showed up and was talking to the girl.  The team member asked if she had felt pain that day, and the girl said, yes, all over.  The translator asked her to point to it, and the girl said, no it's all gone now.

In another story, me and a fried were praying for a woman in Masaya, and I had the word "boca" come to mind [Spanish for mouth].  So, i asked the translator to see if there was anything she wanted prayer for regarding her mouth.  My friend said, I was about to ask the same thing!  The Lord had given her the word "mouthpiece".  Turns out, the woman we were praying for used to pray to speak the words of God, but had given up and forgotten the prayer, so we got to pray for her for that.  She cried hard.

****Check out the sermon "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection" by Chalmers.  I have it on PDF if you want it.

Prayer for this Year

Lord, you have placed me in a house of people yearning for Your Spirit.  We are a broken, broken people, but quick to sharpen and encourage each other.  We are a people willing to talk about holding all things in common, a people willing to confess sin and pray together.  We are a people willing to scrape gum off floors and lift half-pipes.  Lord, we are a house of potential, and I don't know what your plans hold for us.

Lord, I push when I should rest, charge when I should listen.  And sometimes I run when I should stay, sit when I should fight.  Lord, I need you now, as always.  I need you to lead me.  We, the house, need your direction.

Give us the right words to speak, and patience to wait for the right moment to speak.  Give us a hunger to pray and to listen to You, and to read Your words.  Jesus we need Your humility and Your discernment.  Bless us with Your wisdom Lord, and Your steady peace.

Give us endurance, to live well, and patience with each other.  Teach us when to interject and when to let each other fail, when to confront and when to trust Your sanctifying presence.  Set within us a desire to worship.  Set before us Your glory, that we would be in awe of it.  Jesus, show us the scars in Your hands, over and over again.  Spirit, speak loudly.

Lord, who am I to make such demands of You?  Every prayer is a plea, and I have no standing on which to beg except for that which You Yourself have offerred.  I have no priestly intercession but Yours, Jesus.  I cling to it.  Pray for us, please, for Your name and for Your love.  We want to know you more Lord.

I love You, Lord, for many reasons. Recently, for sunsets and woodstorks and coffee, for friendships and peace and genuine transformation by grace.  For an amazing house, with excellent roommates.  For potential, and for the yearning You have put in my heart.  For music, and because You hear my prayers, daily.  For the times You answer them so quickly, in the mundane and in the miraculous.  For the way You finish our falling short, reconcile our over-stepping, heal our self-addictions.  Lord, I love You and I wait on You.  Make Yourself known to us, for it is Your character to do so.  In the name of Your Son, my priest, I pray.