A confession.
I've always intended to be a leader to make a change, to start a movement, to shift the church from stagnancy to exponential growth. I have an awareness of inconsistencies, a personal perfectionism, and a critical eye towards churchy things, and it somewhat fuels my desire to do something different. Better.
And the thing I hate most is pride, particularly in leaders. In young Christians, I expect it. In folks who don't know the Lord, I don't think twice about it. It's still ugly, still repugnant. But expected.
In church leaders, though, I absolutely hate it. They should know better. Christian leaders never have any right to gloat over anything*. Church planters that rattle off statistics in a 'we've done this right' fashion, and 'you should all learn from us' reject grace. Because grace has nothing to do with what we do right, nor our statistics. Grace is a gift. Salvation is a gift. The church is a gift. Transformation, sanctification, are gifts. And they only happen by the work of the Spirit.
Truth be told, a lot of people are doing a whole lot of really good things. And we all have a ton to learn from each other here. But the little we do know about how to do church, even if it is good and true, is a gift. Nothing more. And therefore it should be held with humility. We are honored by what we hold, not by what we do. We are honored by what we have been given, in a place and a name and a calling, not by what we have done with them.
Unfortunately, my reaction to seeing this pride in other leaders is nearly always to sink into pride myself. I become cocky, arrogant, proud. You know how to do church? You know how to do small groups, how to teach, how to think rightly? Well, I can find your flaws. I can biblically challenge your presuppositions. I can shoot you down. If nothing else, I'm not as prideful as you are, which has got to count for something.
And immediately I become proud. Smug.
The past few months have been filled with me seeing problems in the church universal. Seeing things that are wrong, or aren't working- mainly things that just don't feel right even if I can't put my finger on just why. And at times I've been quite frustrated, and often arrogant.
However, the past few months have also been filled with me seeing problems in myself as I engage in the church. I don't really know how to lead a lifegroup well. I don't really know how to teach. How to be both organic and organized, systematic and Spirit-led. And I really feel like I've come up short. Which slams my arrogance into insecurity.
The truth is, the truth I have to keep telling myself, is that no matter how many people have told me that I am something special, that I am meant for great things, and that I should be proud, and no matter how much I can critique or deconstruct leaders around me- I really have nothing but what God has given me, in creation, redemption, and the present indwelling of the Spirit. And no matter how well trained I might be, well studied, well pedigreed, if God should choose not to act, I would have no meaningful success, no worthwhile endeavors. I could change no heart by my work, not even my own.
Which would lead me to despair, were it not for grace already supplied in full. Even so, despair lingers close. And so, when I consider the church, and my role in it, I must begin with the gospel, lest despair wrap me up and tie me down. And this is the gospel to my heart: it does not matter at all what I do, save what He has done. All program, all theology, all systems, all spontaneity- all is filthy rags in comparison.
And so no one can be proud, certainly not I. Church 'works' only by the grace of the Spirit. It exists by that same grace. And so for it we must pray, work, strive, study, dialogue. But, I pray, in humility, that we might be the church of a gracious Lord instead of a church of self-confidence.
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* I honestly think pride ought to be eradicated from positive Christian vocabulary. Now, to take joy in something, good. To be grateful and honor something, even better. To worship God because of what He is doing in you, through you, around you? Perhaps out true purpose. But to be proud of ourselves? Honestly, the feeling that accompanies 'to be proud' is the feeling of 'receiving honor' from something. 'I am proud of my son,'** literally means 'my son gains me honor', honor which can only be gained if I (the parent) had an extensive role in what the son has become. Honestly, our role in creating change and formation in the lives of those around us is passive at best, merely as conduits of God's grace and presence. Every power that we have 'of our own strength' is but a gift remaining from the original image of God in which we were made. And every continuing good that comes of our hands is by grace alone, the grace that the Lord poured onto His children when He did not obliterate them (as they willed) in the removal of His presence, but instead remained engaged in their lives, desiring the restoration of all that is good. Therefore, pride is never the appropriate response. Honor, gratitude, joy, celebration, definitely. The key difference: pride centers around you, or at best around them. Honor, gratitude, etc., centers around Him, and draws us to worship. We ought to be deeply glad for others, and deeply honored to have been used in the process. But again, humbled, not lifted up.
** Footnote of the footnote: I don't think saying that you are proud of someone is a ridiculous statement. I know what we mean when we say it, generally: that someone has done well, and we celebrate the good that has come from them. But how much more powerful a blessing would it be to say, not 'I am so proud', or 'you have done so well', but 'The Spirit has used you so beautifully', or 'how incredibly God has made/redeemed you', or 'how beautiful you are'. Semantics, perhaps, but as language creates culture, perhaps phrases that emphasize grace and gratitude would be good for our churches. They would be for me.
