or, 'A Vacation at Camp is Not, for Many Reasons'.
or, 'Omnes Geniosos Melancolicos Esse.' [think Albrecht Durer]
[note- The bulk of this was written a week ago. The next update will come soon, and be more encouraging, yet strongly related to this message. So read both, but if you only have time to read one, wait and read the next- it'll be happier.]
I wanted to prove myself by leading worship for a week. I wanted to prove myself to the staff. I wanted my old friends to say, yep, I still want to be his friend. I wanted more recent friends to say, wow, I really like this guy. I wanted youth group leaders to say, man, he should lead at my church. I wanted the director to say, gosh, I wish he hadn't left. I wanted to be the hero, the provider, the savior and the accomplisher.
Of course, I am not 'THE' any of those, and a righteous, loving God let me know. Worship flopped for a couple days. Kids and leaders alike looked at the screen with distracted, let's-just-get-through-this faces.
And I crumbled. If I can't make people worship, if I can't hear God's voice, if I can't by my nature be worth befriending, then who am I? Where is my value?
I am blessed to have friends that take me back to the cross, because I fail at elementary Christianity all the time. I need Jesus, and have Him, and that's all I need for worship. I want to make my own value, to prove myself to others and to me. But I can't. God won't let me, because deep in my heart such striving stands on the lie that I am a self-made, self-saved, self-sufficient man. In fact, I am merely self-centered. All creation, salvation, and provision is by God's hand.
So my friends called me back to worship, and I tried. After I made sure the coast was clear, I turned up the Jars of Clay (intermingled with JJ Heller and Matt Gilman) and danced. Solo worship on the guitar is sometimes hard for me, because I'm so quick to make it cerebral ("what should I do next?"), and thus I depend on me again. Me attempting to dance worshipfully is too goofy for me to really worry about it much. It was good worship, I think. We can talk about that.
[Which makes me think- painting, music, dancing, photography, tongues- all of these are in some effect communication, yet can be communicative without recognizable language, the only language from which we can derive intellectual reasoning. So, maybe they are great candidates for worshipful expression because they allow us to step out of a cerebral enlightenment culture and engage with something outside of that. And not merely emotional either. They can be, but the arts (and tongues) seem to exist in some third realm. Perhaps something akin to spirit? I'm not sure....]
Anyway, God drew worship from us in the end, and it was good, and I was encouraged by many friends there. The end.
New subject, but connected:
Sometimes I fear that God doesn't move. Sometimes I fear that I have no sure salvation. Sometimes I fear that I've picked the wrong God. Sometimes I fear that God doesn't exist at all.
Nearly every aspect of my life points to the contrary. To faith. I have been in complete hidden sin, insecurity, and fear of being found out, yet freed by the gospel and told that I am forgiven. I have seen other lives freed by the gospel. I have seen physical healings- heck, I've been healed physically [thanks Andrew]. I've heard countless testimonies of hope and peace and love and joy and even of bodily resurrection [yes, frequently and recently, though not in the states].
Of all my experience and all my reason, I would expect these fears to be history. Yet these fears come, I think, as a cheap solution to frustration. I strive for God, sometimes hard, fervently, passionately. And when I don't see growth in the ways in which I think I should, I become frustrated. Fear and doubt release the pressure of unfulfilled expectations.
The problem is I doubt God instead of maintaining faith whilst being impatient.
In my experience, God's faithfulness is, well, faithful. My impatience is a better explanation for my frustrations.
Irrational fear makes for a very poor plaything. [thanks Chris].
And so I have resolved to fear no more without a valid threat, and to doubt no more without valid questions. Impatience is not valid.
No quarter for fear. Not even a dime.
Check out KJV/NASB translations of Prov 23:7.
-drew
[Expect a very good, hopeful update soon. Like tomorrow.]
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