I found myself in my living room across from two Bens, one asleep and one facebooking. The rain has forced me back inside after a failed surf trip. The waves broke too wild, too choppy for our humble experience. Gusts of wind tumbled sea foam across the rain-smoothed sand towards the pier, leaving shimmering layers of saline bubbles. They reminded me of the stainless steel marbles that stole my attention in elementary school. They were a cheap thrill, and the glass ones were better.
I found myself in a missions conference with a woman who has more discernment than I have ever seen. She told the participants to pay attention- 'you are on duty', she said, 'to bring the word of God to us this evening. We have two more words to be spoken before we close, so please be bold and come forward.' Just like that. She could tell when that which was being spoken was the Spirit and when it was the flesh, and stopped several people from sharing more. She spoke of perceiving the presence of the Spirit on people, in the way the Spirit rests on the prophet in Isaiah 61. I want that discernment. She spoke of a complete trust in God that I can only imagine, leaving home with no plan and no destination, Abrahamic indeed. I am not brave enough, but I want to be, and quickly. We ain't getting younger, kiddos, and she's moving mountains while I'm serving coffee. Not a fair comparison, I know, but sometimes it feels like that.
I found myself frustrated and begging for joy on the way to work in a hip coffee shop off Vanderhorst street (brewing San Pedro Nectar Light Roast, which is the bomb). Then I found myself worshipping while I clean bowls, and using cupcakes to bribe the customers in the patio to sing happy birthday to a regular inside.
I found myself on a sailboat with a roommate and another shop regular, trying to untangle the halyard and fix the sail before getting stuck in the marsh. The regular tells me it's the most fun he's had since the grand canyon. I'll take that.
I found myself in worship wanting to be the favorite child, wanting to be noticed, affirmed, but challenged to serve and play as a free, loved child. Thank you, Jesus Storybook Bible.
I found myself driving into the woods to lead worship for a retreat, praying for eyes to see the kingdom advancing, but unable to distinguish between all that is wrong and where God desires me to bring light. Where do we begin?
I found myself dancing at a Jeremy Riddle concert.
I found myself strongly led to tell an acquaintance that God says she belonged, only to find that she needed to hear it badly.
I found myself preoccupied with the thought of a banana throughout worship, to the point of wondering if it was some prophetic word to share. I didn't share it, thought part of me thinks I should have. I don't know if that was right or not.
I found myself talking for an hour with a Catholic nun, feeling a deep, deep love for her, as her cancer grows. As Nouwen would say, the Christ in me recognizing the Christ in her. It was beautiful.
And I rarely ever find myself in anxiety and doubt and restlessness and fear. Which is a miracle, seeing where I have come from in the past year.
All this has fallen like an apple on my head. Oh, I have discovered gravity, but it's been there all along. And as much as I have found, this I have been given. As much as I have seen, I have been shown. I am growing; small, but green and growing. And as I find myself, I am finding God more and more.
And now my task:
to find myself more and more in Him
and to find others for Him.
Genesis 28:16
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