Late Notice

But I'm headed to Nicaragua.  Again.  On Saturday.

So many things I mean tot say, write, share, and never do.  Forget, when I get to the computer, or don't feel like explaining, or don't want to feel like proving myself.  All fear based (or just forgetfulness), so not good, and not based in love.  So, I will tell you now.  I'm going to Nicaragua.  And I'll give you a few highlights in that decision.

A big reason I want to go back is to see a boy I met last time.  Stole my heart, and my ability to avoid cliches.  Nothing I can do about it.  God loves him, and he showed me very clearly.  So, I want to see him again.

Another, is the sheer experience and practice for real life that a mission opportunity provides.  The experience of being in a group of people all dedicated to listening to the Spirit and following as He leads is incredibly constructive and encouraging, formative as we return.  I want to go to rekindle the fires a bit (or to provide space for the Lord to do so), and to be pushed out of what I know.

Things I'm anxious or concerned about:
1-American arrogance, in assuming we have all the answers, and that we figured them out.  Each party involved in missions has something to teach the other, but above all is the awareness that the Lord desires to speak to both those there and those coming.  We do not come to spread our thinking, but to share a relationship and a love, and to serve in the process.  Does that involve teaching, and theology, and ideology?  Yes.  Can we submit our words to the Lord and seek to let His words flow?  Yes.  We can circumvent much of our cultural imperialism/pride through submitting to a higher culture, a greater love- the kingdom of God.  In this kingdom, we are all equals, and all have something to offer each other.  The missionaries, the receiving church, the neighborhoods.  All are made by God, all desired by God, all used by God.

2-Loudspeaker evangelism.  In vogue in Nica.  I don't like it, still.  Very information centered; hard to shout a relationship.  And, my critiquing their methods can easily fall back into number 1^.

3-Leading worship.  I always get nervous.

4-Questioning my reasons for going, and analyzing (deconstructing, unhealthily) my purpose there.

5-The meeting with gangs on the itinerary.  For real.

6-I didn't ask for help (support), and so I fear I robbed the community of sending me and the Lord of an opportunity to bless me and those around me.

7-The fact I haven't told many folks that I'm going.

Well, I can scratch the 7th off the list now.  That's good.

The rest, I need your prayer for.  I'm learning, stretching, growing.  I need the support of my friends, particularly those who love God for who He is and what He's done, and who are walking with me in submitting everything to Him.  We're in this together.

Look forward to sharing stories upon my return.

Also, Hannah (my sister) is coming too.  And so I'm PUMPED.

Blood and Soul and Yearning

Thin blood drawn twice, once blue, once red,
To you, from you, without control,
Sent by your beat, once fill'd, to flesh,
enables all my dark parole.

Freed, broken, to imaginings
that know only their lust and greed
for all that tricks and all that takes
by off'ring that which only feeds

My hunger for exploitation
of friend and foe, of soul and God.
Feed my soul with Holy yearning!,
that fills more than the secret nod

to unholy thought, that proves and tries
the bound'ries of the Savior's claim
which, save your breath, would never breathe,
save your changing, would die the same.

All adventure, all you reclaim
as your holy mandate and trust
to your mankind, that beast called son
once made, then bought, and now would rust

your sacred wedding rings of love
and of justice, by you defined,
and now dispatched to make my waste,
with clean desires, a holy mind.

Beat, Spirit of the living God-
fill me, send me, draw my return,
That even soil'd, emptied in sin,
my soul be drawn always to yearn.

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Been reading lots of John Donne lately, and just watched Moonrise Kingdom and Spider Man 1 (2).  Excellent time with friends.  Aside from that, it's been a long couple days of lust (heat? what i've been eating? effects of reading about Donne's early years?  all of the above?), but I wrote a short story, which was good.  Good time reading at my parents' house today, too.  Spaghetti squash didn't go so well, but the watermelons still have a shot.  The one we cut tasted somewhere between edible and desirable, leaning towards the latter.  I have half in my fridge, if you'd like to try it.

Truth and Love

How sweetly the words of false prophets come;
how easy and wishful and black-
how simple it is to bury his words
and holiness behind my back.

For justice comes not in our poor attempts
nor righteous in our goodwill.
But justice comes from the slain Word of God,
and righteousness, by off'ring still.

Fear holiness, then, and wonder anew
at hist'ry and sacred decree
in, not the wondering, pandering heart,
but love, held on law's holy tree.

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Written on the dock at a friend's lake house in GA, after reading Jeremiah this morning.  Specifically it relates to his interaction with Hananiah, pondering the way false teaching is so appealing and yet ignores the seriousness of the Lord's justice and holiness.  I struggle greatly with teachings on homosexuality, exclusivity/inclusivity, and hell, but mainly because my heart desires something other than what scripture (old testament and new, Jesus and other writers) seems to indicate.  An awful choice of allegiance is forced.

A Prayer from the Road

Lord,
As I go to weddings, I am thrilled by the hope of completion.
Yet I find myself grappling to remember You in it.
Lord, You have done so much in me, Your healing has touched me, and so many closest to me, yet I feel a deep lack of conviction.

Lord, I feel you burn within me when I can share you, when I serve as you served, pray for healing, when you make your Word as a gong in my heard, as I worship.

But, Lord, I am so weak!  As I spend time with the family, I feel defensive.  In Greenville I feel mistrusted, doubted, watched with wary eyes. By your grace in worship and prayer and community I have learned to lay these emotional reactions aside for faith.  But I feel the hypocrite, fear the hypocrite.  How can I offer that which I must brainwash myself to believe?

Oh wash my mind!  Make me new!
Shake off my insufficiencies in faith and feeling,
and make me a new man,
of faith and fire, of revival and love deeper than my engrained insecurities.

Lord, that I would lust after greater love, instead of sex.
That I would yearn for your word.
Instead of seeking only to entertain myself with stories of so many worlds.

Lord take my heart.  I surrender my pandering
to you, my seeking after affirmation and temporary satisfactions.

Lord, take my desires and make them new.
Oh, that I could year my way-
No, I never could.
Yet such a motivation and drive.
Show me the motivating power of all-sufficient love,
that I may follow restfully.

For YOU. ARE. GOD.

Lord, I am heartbroken over the wreck on the road today.  A church bus.  And the Congo-
Lord, I see the oppressor.  In me, dear God.  And hate it and, myself for it.  And still desire to fulfill it.  My wretched flesh.  Lord, I will be freed.

Yet help me know that life with you is greater than life without sin and doubt.
Let me know You.
Life without sin, absent you, is far worse than life with sin with you.  Help me believe that deeply.


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Written, in increasing darkness (literal), on the road from Greenville to Charleston yesterday.