A friend wrote me back with some excellent challenges and revision. After having asked permission, here is what they had to say:
---
I think certainly you are right, sometimes sharing the truth might not be a good thing, but I think you can err on the other side as well- in not being willing to speak truth in relationships enough. Both can lead to the demise of a friendship and I think it has to do with balance.
If you are never willing to speak about and address issues then you will just be sweeping things under the rug. Sure, you can bring them to God and surrender, but that doesn't change the fact that there are continued unaddressed issues in a relationship and eventually, I think that relationship is going to crumble if things go unresolved.
On the other hand, sharing too much can also destroy a relationship.
Personally, I think this is why balance is so important. You have to be honest in friendships, and you have to be able to address hurt. My friend has to be able to deal with the fact that sometimes she hurts my feelings and vice versa. We have to learn how to face that in a mature way and treat each other with grace. I think it is ok to share and address things, and a lot of times I think it is necessary. Otherwise resentment is too easily bred. That being said, I think it is important to learn how to recognize my motives and heart- why was I hurt by a certain situation, are my feelings warranted/equal to the action committed to hurt me? Or am I perhaps reacting from an old hurt or a place of pride or fear? Why do I want to address this hurt or issue? If my desire comes from a place of wanting the person to understand how terribly they have hurt me, than that's not a good place to come from. Whenever I want someone to "understand" I am seeking vindication of some sort, and that's not my place- I need to forgive. I pray and seek the Lord, then if I come to a place where I feel that my desire to be "honest" comes from a wanting to address the issue and move on, then it might be ok. In communicating about the issue I don't need to drill in how much I am bothered by the situation- if I say something it needs to be simple, acknowledging the issue and my sin as well. In bringing something up, I also need to be prepared and ready for whatever reaction I might receive. I may be received with grace, I may be rejected, or my hurt may be ignored. After bringing up the issue I may still be left feeling unsatisfied and unresolved. If that's the case, which is very possible, then it is time for me to take it to the Lord, as well as surrendering that friendship to the Lord. Sometimes I do think issues need to be addressed, bringing things from darkness to light, while also acknowledging my own sin and pride. Not addressing things can be just as destructive as addressing things. A lot rides on that other person too- how do I receive those that I hurt? Do I have grace with them and myself? Am I willing to admit my fault?
Relationships are sticky and messy sometimes because we are sticky and messy- in all of it, I think humility is key.
---
Great thoughts. Thanks for the wisdom!
This, expressing truly how we feel, is a profound difficulty for everyone who cares about someone else. "Balance" between stating what you feel and holding back in fear of rejection or pain is important (perhaps timing is a better word than balance) but the missing ingredient in this discussion is commitment. In order to deal with truth in relationships we must have real confidence that the other is so tied to us that we will work through together. In order to have a healthy relationship, the other must learn what affects you and how. You really must, so the timing of discussing hurts and bitterness and the skills to get through the discussion are critical and can only be employed if one is sure the other person will not walk away. This is why the marriage covenant is so critical. It means you can finally be honest with at least one other person though you must still watch your timing and learn the skills required to make it work out. Great discussion on this very neglected aspect of true agape.
ReplyDelete