Thursday, December 20, 2012

Frustration, Silence, and the Coming


I've never had someone reject words from the Lord before. Now, I've had folks explain them away, ignore them, challenge them, and hate them. But I've never had someone stop me, mid-sentence, to say, 'Frankly, I don't care. God is either real and will talk to me about it, or He's not and He won't.'

He walked out of the room to brush his teeth, and I was left startled, and my heart recoiled. It hurt deeply to have my thoughts rejected, since my intent was to encourage and love a friend. I set up several scenarios, running through how he would respond to different movements on my part. I could attack the theological inaccuracies of his frustrated monologue, of which there were many. I could slam his looming arrogance, for in conversation it had stepped way out into the open. I could cut down much of his personality, blasting his flaws in rapid succession. Perhaps all three.

I wanted him to collapse in repentance. He would be found sorry, and weep, and return humbly to the Lord. And, if I got a little retributive jab in there, no real foul. It was well earned.

But nothing seemed right to say. I knew I wanted to lash back, even as in his frustration he had wanted someone to feel the pain he did. But, bearing my pride rarely softens another's. And in my reaction my pride surged as well. And, something hurt me more than his rejection. It was the deep, deep reminder that I carry the same fears. I am scared of working food and bev all my life. I'm scared of not moving forward. I'm scared of relationships failing. I'm scared of God not coming through on my hopes and dreams and visions. I wrestle with anxiety daily. By grace alone I cling to grace, and wait. As does my friend. And when we get tired, we'll over-react, and we'll yell at God. And He'll welcome us back, theological inaccuracies and little faith and all. Because, it's the only way we ever come.

So I laid on his bed, in silence, until he kicked me out. He apologized, in the end, but he didn't seem particularly sorry. Just angry. That's ok. He was out on a narrow branch, and the wind seemed a far greater constant than the trunk.

But, still he remained, and so I waited with him. In truth, if God does not 'come through' (meaning, do what we think He should), on any or all of the many things we are frustrated with/desparing in, still God would be God, and God would be good. My friend and I have both experienced too much to turn from that. We, like Peter, ask, 'Where else can we go?' Because we've looked, and there is no other explanation so beautiful, so good, so elegantly complete. And yet there is nothing so mysterious, confusing, and wondrous. God is, as He has named Himself.

Further, God owes us nothing. No matter how hard we try we have earned no piece of our reward. All has come from the reconciliation of Christ and the indwelling of the Spirit, and thus, should all be taken away and all fall to dust, still His love would be true and still His presence would remain. Our circumstances clearly are not evidence of the love and presence of God. Read Job. Read of the sufferings of the early church. Read of the sufferings of Jesus. Was he outside of the love of God when everything was stripped from Him, as He was beaten and tortured and killed? Nope. Only once was He separated from the love and presence of God, only as He took our sins upon himself, in a final breath, and died prematurely of the bitter separation from His father. He became sin, separation and death, that we might become righteousness. In the greatest evil and brokenness and circumstantial despair in history, our position was made secure. How much more secure it remains, even if all around us collapses?

God's purposes are greater than our reaching the middle class. Frankly, I think we've taken Jeremiah frightfully out of context. Plans to prosper you and not harm you? Tell that to the 10 martyred apostles. Yell that over Steven as the stones are thrown. Whisper it to Jesus as he carries His cross through suburbia to the hill of the skull.

Some in the kingdom will make gobs of money. Some will never have more than is necessary. But manna comes, day by day, in many, many ways, until He takes us to be with Him, the true bread of life. We cannot judge His nature by our happiness, for they are spuriously correlated at best. We judge Him by His own decrees, His own actions, and submit to Him as we seek to respond, in whatever ways we can, to His continued revelation to us.

I may speak grace to my friend, at some point, but for now, silence seems the better comforter (Job again). He's wise enough to know his inconsistencies, as I know my own. He's experienced enough to know that it will work out, one way or another. He has heard enough of God to believe, even when it falls apart. But he is really tired, and really angry, and doesn't want to hear it, as so often I have been. So I'll wait with him a while. Because sometimes faith is best realized in waiting. Not meaning that when He comes it will be as we expect (think 'God as a baby', and let your mind explode). But He will come, and there we hope. Here's to advent.

So you, by the help of your God, return,
hold fast to love and justice,
and wait continually for your God.
Hosea 12:6

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