Monday, June 24, 2013
Perplexed and Faithful
Often I grow anxious when facing a decision without clear direction. The power to choose makes me nervous enough, but worse is the idea that I should know what to do. Why? Because I'm a Christian. Which means I should recognize Jesus' voice (John 10:27), and I should be directed and comforted by the Spirit. Right? So what if I still don't know what to do?
At my lowest moments, it makes me wonder if I know Him. Lately, this is evident in my anxiety about the Lifegroup that I help lead on Monday nights. I really, really want it to be more than a Bible study. Certainly not less, but more*.
But I have no idea how to get there.
And so I spend hours thinking, writing, praying, reading, talking. How do I move us from theory to practice? And I just don't know. And so I get anxious. This is my calling as leader, in part, is it not? Even if I lead nothing at all, shouldn't I have some sense of how to be what I think God is calling me to be, how to do what He's calling me to do?
I am so comforted by scripture. In 2 Corinthians 4 Paul describes the struggles in his ministry. He says he is afflicted, but not crushed; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.
But I skipped a line there. Did you catch it? Darrell missed it too.
Verse 8 says 'we are perplexed, but not driven to despair'. Which is huge for me. Because so often I feel perplexed.
The root word for 'perplexed' in Greek is translated as doubting, or unsure, and has connotations of being thrown overboard, being lost in the waves. But not driven to despair, it says. We may be overboard, but we're not drowning, nor giving up.
Which, I think, defends us against the crippling anxiety of self-doubt. Because the nature of Paul as he follows the Lord is not omniscience or clairvoyance, nor supreme confidence. Instead, the nature of the redeemed Paul is to cling to hope and reject despair. He tells the gospel to himself, over and over. He worships.
Often the Lord will give direct guidance or direction. But it is not guaranteed. And so, when He does not direct us, when we are not sure what to do- we must believe that we are not failing. We are not lost, nor in sin. We are existing as true believers have existed from the beginning**- perplexed, but not despairing. Because so great is our Redemption, that even if the worst option were chosen, Hope would remain by the strength and love of a suffering Lord.
Having offered peace to those wracked by self-condemnation by reason of indecision, my next post intends to explain the Christian's freedom of choice, and therein offer limited aid in decision-making.
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*I hope to address this concept in a future post as well.
**Also, see 2 Chronicles 20:12.
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Drew I admire your faith. Though I'm not a believer I respect what you believe and think it is commendable. Questioning is an important part of being a person. Accepting the fact the question may never answered is part of the acceptance. Treading delicately through life is safe but not as much fun!
ReplyDeleteBe well
drew, i don't know you. but i thank you (and God) for this post. in recent weeks it's felt like I am breaking under pressure. but i was loosely reminded in prayer yesterday that the apparent sensation of breaking towards the end of destruction and breaking as a preliminary stage in the restructuring process of sanctification feel pretty much the same to the flesh :) i requested that God answer me in regards to this and the peripheral particulars in my life. i believe he did with your post. a friend randomly showed it to me last night, but the circumstances of my reading it were bizarre and winding in a providential way. i would add this caveat to your post (not a correction but an addition to what you have already stated in a beautifully simple way). the picture of paul telling himself the gospel over and over may appear on the surface to be an individual's attempt to avoid cognitive dissonance and the attempt of someone to force meaning onto random experience. but paul's telling of the gospel to himself over and over doesn't look like a man with his hands over his ears anxiously muttering a mantra. but rather, like a weak limited man get so boggled by the current data that he has to stop, and go back to the narrative like on a drawing board. the interesting thing about this is that it is not abstractly unrelated to experience, but includes the historical experiences we have had ourselves as believers (as well as the historical experiences of our forebears) in the God of Jacob, i.e. it's earthy, raw, manifest and not in some spiritual vacuum. it's like peter saying he has no problem reminding us while we're in the TENT OF THE BODY, or paul saying it's not irksome to write the same things over and over as a safeguard (ph.3.1). the issue i find again and again in my walk is that fogginess surrounding knowing what to do, or lacking clear direction is directly related to the load carried/experiences endured by the TENT OF THE BODY. i have to retrace the steps of this narrative that Yahweh is weaving, and yes, it almost always leads to worship ( i love that you put that in btw). it's like the story is too big to keep in the scope of our daily lives and it is precisely our inability to hold in tow a plethora of variables coupled with the sheer mass of this living narrative that REQUIRES us as believers to revisit the data in humility. so, in a very large sense the perplexity can often be due to God's massive involvement being too grand for us to keep in view during the bombardment of our daily experiences AS OPPOSED to him being distant or unconcerned OR US not being genuine believers or obedient enough, etc. Blessings on you brother and may our God be with your monday night meeting to jolt to life the believers present, and pray that God would do the same for the group that meets in my house Sunday nights.
ReplyDeleteLuna and Joshua,
ReplyDeleteBoth of your comments are such encouragements to me. The challenge to live life to the fullest in the midst of struggle (instead of becoming callous and hiding from experience) is indeed what we all long to do. And I believe it to be what we were meant to do. I pray the three of us might live more fully so. Reminds of of Lewis in the four loves, discussing how true love will always bring pain, but to avoid love altogether is to die while we yet breathe. Good thoughts Luna.
Joshua, great addendum there. I've often wondered at what point we move from meditating and clinging to God, to avoidance of counter-evidence, and have feared that in myself. But you explain that line very well, with strong biblical examples. The awareness of our iniquity and finitude requires a humble reliance on our Hope and Lord, as you pointed out. And if our struggles did nothing but turn us to Him, they would be worth it, I think. Hold fast, brother. Let me know if you need an ear.