Invited to Dinner

Hard summer, in parts. Several times I just burned out. So many challenging things, with so much pressure I place on myself, of my house, work, girlfriend, lifegroup, future. I sometimes felt like I was eternally pouring out. So many good, beautiful things, so many gifts from God. But still I grew burned out and exhausted. The very things I felt called to I deeply felt incapable of executing. And then I noticed sin creeping in. I started feeling a twinge of bitterness towards those in leadership over me, and towards those I love. Growing suspicious of particular friends, pride over others, anxiety and selfishness- all while trying to do so much good. What happened?

I was praying about it the other day, praying though my bitterness towards one friend/mentor in particular. And in discussion with one of my roommates, a thought crossed my mind. I was growing bitter largely because a great desire of my heart lay unfulfilled.  Deep down, I yearned to be invited over to dinner. I longed for someone older, wiser, someone I respect, to invite me over for dinner with their family. Someone who requires nothing, needs nothing, asks nothing from me, who is entirely stable without my presence, but still invites me in. Someone who seeks me out for the love of me, and serves me. Someone with whom to walk, to find comfort, to learn.

And the more I've thought about it, the more it's true. I long for the freedom of love that pursues me, the freedom of love that requires nothing but offers peace, rest, security, help. Love that invites me over for dinner, just to have dinner, and be with me.

And I knew something further, as soon as I recognized this unmet desire.  I knew that what I desired was exactly that which Christ offered.  Wasn't that the love of God? Inviting me to the feast of a lifetime, of an eternity? A Father that ran from the porch to me, a Son who condescended to my lowly attic room, a Spirit that applies grace over and over again onto the gaping wound of my remaining iniquity. Am I not offered that freedom? Am I not pursued for me, by a stable One who needs nothing in Himself, but Who still loves beyond reason? Am I not invited to dinner, to rest, and sit, and be safe.

I have not felt His pursuing love, in a large way, for a while now. I have not perceived His hand, nor His heart, nor His Spirit in more than little, day-by-day ways. Is it necessary to feel it? No. The Truth is not founded upon my experience. Yet I long to feel Him, to know Him, to experience His pursuit and to be fully freed therein. Like the Psalmist writes,

“As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?b

My tears have been my food

day and night,

while they say to me all the day long,

“Where is your God?””

My heart is the chief accuser in these seasons. “Where is your God?” And I respond, “I am not sure. But I know where He's been. In the garden, on the cross, in the church. At Awanita in 6^th grade, at camp in 2008, in my car talking with Joseph in 2011. He was there.” Remembrance is a great weapon of faith.

But so too is rest. Spending time sitting, drinking tea in the morning instead of rushing to get some Bible reading in before a frantic bike to the cafe to start my shift. Even biking to work instead of walking [which I sometimes do to make time to pray for folks], so that instead I have time to rest and be at peace.

I find a juxtaposition there, between doing what I am called to do and resting as I must rest. I don't know how to fit them both into a world where 'the days are evil', and time is short. But I hold to scriptures like Exodus 14:14, in which the Lord fights for His people as they rest in silence. Or like Isaiah, in which returning and rest is indeed our strength. How to fit that in to an increasingly busy schedule? I need prayer for that. Practically, I have to cut some things out. I'm learning. And I'm finding that I still often trust my abilities over the work of Jesus to make me clean and make me able. I'm preaching the gospel to myself again, as I have to do so many times. And trying to make time to sit, rest, receive- time to participate in the dinner to which I've been invited.

Life-Update

So, I've been doing a fair bit of writing lately, but not for the blog.  Alas, I apologize.  To fill you in on what I've been doing, here's an update.

I am the most recent addition to the staff at Saint Andrews in Mount Pleasant.  I am the assistant to the clergy, which is something between a secretary, a scribe, a gopher, a student, and a writer.  So far.  Today.  On my first day.  But don't worry, I'm still at Kudu part time too.  Can't give up the discount quite yet.

My Lifegroup is really exciting right now.  After a summer of inconsistent attendance and frustration from my end (no co-leader, little direction, and all amidst a big roommate transition), I have a co-leader (Andrew Yuhas), a vision (written on dry-erase boards), a few lesson plans, and the beginning of a Lifegroup leader's manual.  It's not for anyone in particular, just helping me to frame my thoughts and push them further.  But it's energizing to work on.  Oddly enough, one of my first tasks here at the main campus is to put together Lifegroup manuals for the LG leaders this side of the Cooper (river).  Maybe I can abscond with one during lunch for some light reading.

My brother and a good friend of mine bought a sailboat with me to flip (meaning, to fix up and re-sell).  She's a Catalina 22, in good shape, but needing some fiberglass work.  We hope to fix her up and spend a little time on the water before selling her in the spring, when the market is better.  But, we'll see.  If someone makes us an offer, who knows.  We're keeping the knots loose, just in case.

Questions that have been occupying my thoughts and conversations of late, and therefore may result in blog posts in the future: (in no particular order)

1-how can I date well towards marriage?

2-how can I pursue ministry as a job while doing a 'normal' job and doing 'normal' ministry on the side?

3-is seminary necessary for that which I feel called to do?

4-what makes a Lifegroup different from a church, different from a small group? Should it be?

5-how can my Lifegroup be both Spirit-led and structured?

6-how is the Spirit to be addressed in worship?  Is He to be worshipped directly? What does it mean to invite His presence to draw near, if He is already in us and primarily moves us by the gospel anyhow?

7-how does the gospel produce mission, in the most practical terms?

8-how do we move from an 'outreach project' culture to a 'life as outreach' culture, emphasizing discipleship over events as the primary means of both evangelization and growth?

9-how does one brace the interior wall of a double-walled sailboat hull to re-apply fiberglass to the outside?

10-how would Jesus respond to Syria?

11-how can we make worship songs that are easily accessible in small group settings but remain theologically rich and instructive?

12-how should I respond when I sense that something is not right in a situation or relationship but don't know what is actually making me uncomfortable?

And a few more here and there.

Some cool God moments:

1-Prayed for the gift of administration, and then was hired as the assistant to the clergy within two weeks.

2-Was meeting with Todd, discussing my desire to shift out of Kudu full-time but only if it led to greater preparation for ministry, when Steve walked in and offered me the job to work upstairs with the staff.

3-Had a long walk with Elizabeth in which we learned that, when we have not spent time with the Lord, we react in opposite ways (I get clingy, she gets defensive), ways which keep us both in check even if we're both running dry at the same time.

4-Have been incredibly encouraged by living with Andrew Yuhas, being able to discuss church theory and life group systems until all hours of the night.

Hope that's enough for now ;)

After Sin 3.2- Case Study

I had a friend who I met with regularly to talk about life and God and all things between (read: everything).  We met at a church function, and grabbed lunch soon after.  I intended to encourage some of his present pursuits, and give whatever wisdom I could to his moves towards independence from his parents.  But it quickly became clear that much something much greater lay beneath the surface.  It seemed like he was ready for independence less and less, and more and more trapped in sin and pride than I imagined.  Lunch went from a pleasant, 'let's work through some practicals of life' to 'dude, you're totally in the wrong here, and are messing everything up yourself.'  To which he responded 'yeah, I know, but I'm going to do what I want anyway.'

I was pretty confident I had lost him as a friend and brother at that point.  But, he kept answering my calls, kept wanting to hang out.  So we did, and we hung out and we talked.  And it became increasingly apparent that he had nothing in order.  His life was a mess of insecurity and manipulation.  I tried to find areas of life where things were going well for him, and frankly, none existed.  His life was falling apart, largely due to his own brokenness*.

So, I created a plan.  Clearly he needed some Jesus, some conviction, some change.  So, of course, I found a Tim Keller book I thought we could study together.  "Counterfeit Gods", I figured, hits about every major sin in my friend's life, so maybe with a book study we could discuss them all without me actually having to say 'wow, you're screwing everything up yourself'.  Which he was, he'll admit it.

But, in some excellent foresight, the Lord never let me get around to buying him a copy.  Because soon thereafter I invited him to spend the night at my house.  He rode home with me, and sitting in the car on my driveway, talking about his family issues, he said very bluntly that he had never belonged anywhere.  He never had a home, never felt loved, never felt safe.  And so I shared the gospel with him, in the language of his brokenness.  Jesus died for your sins, yeah, he knew that.  But Jesus died to be with him, to invite my friend into perfect Community, perfect Love.  Jesus died so my friend could belong.  And he was stunned.

The Lord was on his tail, and eventually caught up to him**.  He surrendered to the Lord a few months later, and his life has never been the same.  Everything, I mean everything that I had seen as sin in his life, the Lord has redeemed, transformed, taken away.  And he still struggles, sure.  But with hope, life, joy, purpose.  It still blows me away- every conversation with him encourages me to this day.  Because I saw God totally save him.  Saved.  That's the right word, much as its been overused and watered down.  From death to life.  Its amazing.  But it did not happen because I addressed the sin in his life.  I saw it, I even intended to address it.  But the Lord showed me the root of it all before I had the chance, and in applying the gospel to the root of sin (fear, insecurity, loneliness, pride), sin was conquered.

All that to say, accountability is not a matter of sin-eradication but gospel-propogation.  Find the deeper roots of surficial sins, and pull them out with a steady dose of gospel, of the love of God.  Accountability will look different in application for everyone, but it will always begin the same- Jesus, the love, wisdom, and power of God, applied to sin.  We must rely on the Spirit, in creativity and wisdom, to apply it rightly in our present circumstances.

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* Some of his own making, and some brought on by others,

** His coming to the Lord involved more than our one conversation.  We also took a road trip together to spend time with some friends of mine who really love the Lord.  That trip opened his eyes to the way grace-filled community works and feels, as we poured out our hearts to each other and encouraged each other in the faith.  I had a blast, and he was dead silent.  I thought he hated it- turns out he was soaking it all up.  I was actually disappointed that he and I, in the 8 hours we spent in the car together, never got around to talking about God much.  Didn't matter- the Lord was showing my friend His goodness anyhow.